Today I showed a painting I’ve been working on to a friend. It isn’t finished. I haven’t had time. It’s been unnatural for me to paint so slowly and because I haven’t had time to paint as much as I am used to, I have had doubts about it altogether – so when my friend asked me to take a photo of my work-in-progress today, I had mixed feelings but I did it anyway and sent it. She wrote back after seeing it was “cool subject matter” but she said nothing about the painting itself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project that my friend was being stingy within not commenting on the actual painting.
When and as I see myself projecting about another’s feelings or motivation within what they say or what they do, I stop and I breathe. I realize I cannot know any/all the multidimensional layers within what anyone says or does with certainty and that I can only know and take responsibility for my own reactions, my own tendencies and personalities. I commit to stop myself any time I have the thought that begins with, “I bet she meant…” or “She/He really meant…” and to bring it back to myself with questioning my desire for absolute knowledge and/or acknowledgement/recognition and to see and understand why the opinion of another would matter to me and I commit to give myself the support I seek from another.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my friend should respond in a way that I liked, i.e. within being encouraging or giving me practical feedback or some/any kind of impression about the actual, physical work, and when she didn’t I created a relationship with the event having multiple internal dialogues about what she must really think and why or speculating that maybe she is jealous or bored or that she’s sees herself as superior within her ability to assess a good work of art.
When and as I see myself believe and expect that there is a ‘correct’ or ‘appropriate’ way to respond to something I have created, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I want recognition and confirmation of the value of my work and that the time and energy it takes to do it has not been wasted. I commit to bring this point back to myself and to assess within myself whether or not the creation of art is of value and worthy of my time and effort and to see whether or not I can do it without any reward, without requiring any support, without any feedback from others.
Day 624 is located on my private blog: A Painter’s Journey to Life.